Friendship

"There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature."
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

I've been thinking quite a bit about friendship recently, more so now as we've wished several of our amazing temple sisters a heartbreaking "see you later" in the last few weeks. Growing up as a military child saying good bye was a routine event, whether it was for your move or someone else's move saying good bye was a routine event for us. Recently though we've gotten out of practice as we've been here an amazing 16 years now. I've lived in this area for longer than anywhere else in my short years. As I stand on the brink of yet another year I think back over the friends I've made and lost throughout the years. Thanks to social media (i.e. Facebook) it's been easier to reconnect with those long lost friends and being able to carry those friendships over greater distances and for a few moments out of the day feeling like the world isn't such a big place and the strings that connect us together are still there for us to strengthen. 

Sometimes it is funny how friendship develops. Some come quickly as we find in them kindred spirits as Anne would say. We find in them someone who shares our interests or our thoughts. Those are the quick friends who stick with us through many trials in our lives. And then we have those who don't start out as friends. In Relief Society a few weeks ago Sister Boyce (our seriously amazing Relief Society President who I just love!) was giving the lesson on visiting teaching. She talked about how it never failed her route included a sister she wasn't so sure of in the beginning, but by the end the sister was someone she loved. We had a sister leave us this week who was one of these friends. She was a little rough around the edges in the beginning with us, but over the course of this last year and a half she has grown to be an amazing example of steadfast faith in the face of difficulty and trials.  Upon the end of the shift it was such a terrible moment of joy and sadness mixed together as we knew it was the last time we would share our life stories in those stolen and quiet moments in the temple. 

I've come to genuinely love those sisters with whom we serve each week. They are in my life for a reason. While many of them are old enough to be my grandmother, I am truly grateful for their presence in my life. Having lost my grandmother's at a young age - one to cancer 12 years ago and the other to Alzheimer's shortly before her even though she did not officially pass until about five years ago now - having these women in my life has for those Saturday mornings brought them both back into my life. I know they were placed in my life for a reason. I'm so fortunate and lucky to call them my friends and my temple family. When I graduated a few weeks (okay it was TWO months ago!) back I was so fortunate to have one of the sisters we serve with there as she celebrated the graduation of her own son. Seriously I think they shouted louder than my own family! I'm so very blessed to have them in my life. I know my Heavenly Father put them in my life at the time when I needed them all the most. They have carried us through some of the rough patches over the course of two years and I wouldn't trade sleeping in any Saturday morning for being there with them bright and early  in the House of the Lord.

My second home and haven from the storms of life.

I'm not broken...I'm just single

Sister Linda K. Burton

This past Saturday I was so fortunate to attend a Relief Society Conference for our stake. I won't lie I was excited to attend the conference, but I cannot say I was completely bursting at the seams. I had never had the chance and opportunity to hear from the Relief Society General President in person before and since Sister Burton was still so new in her calling I really hadn't had much of a chance to connect with her as I had with previous presidents. I'm happy to say though by the end of the meeting my thoughts and feelings had completely changed. This is one incredible woman. We heard from a few of our local sisters, including our lovely and amazing stake RS President. She is just so funny and I love listening to her. She's this cute Southern woman with just the sweetest nature. Love her. 

Sister Burton was the main speaker though and we were given such great council and wisdom during her time with us. The theme for this conference was Bless the One; you can guess the focus was on how to reach out and bless the lives of those around us, even if we only reach one person. I loved the way she presented the conference theme though. Instead of presenting it as a statement : Bless the One. she delivered it as a question : Bless the One? We get caught up with the grand ideas in life of reaching as many people as possible, but when we touch the lives of just one person we never know how far and reaching that blessing can bring for the future. She told us some beautiful counts of sisters lives who were changed because someone reached out a blessed their lives through something as simple as a a few words of encouragement. She gave some great words of encouragement along with the gentle shove to get out behinds in gear and help with the work we are charge with doing each day. I love when we sisters get our do better talks. Ours are always with loving and encouraging words; the brethren though I do not envy because their do better talks are serious kicks in the pants!

After she finished with the group as a whole she had a meeting with the single sisters who were in attendance. Now I will say there is a conception that sisters in the Church are not valued as anything more than for being baby making machines. For those of you who really know the Church you know this isn't the stance of the Church, but rather something more along the lines of the cultures stemming from people's ideas, even if they are wrong. For the next 45 minutes she listened to these single sisters wonder about their lives and where they were going and how to live their lives without having a husband or children. For those 45 minutes I listened to these younger sisters and for them my heartbreaks because I remember being in their shoes once. I remember hitting 22 and thinking maybe this is the year and then 23 came followed by 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, and eventually 30 and 31. I still found myself without a spouse but somewhere down the line I found myself. 

I found myself putting off the concept I was broken or depressed because I had no spouse. I type this as someone staring down 32 in a few months who has bought a house, walked on the Great Wall of China, traveled to London, Paris and Rome, graduated from college with two bachelor degrees and now my master's degree, and a myriad of other achievements in my 31 years. I write this with the knowledge of myself and knowing I am far more than what the world sees on the outside. My being single doesn't mean I've done something wrong, doesn't mean I've made bad decisions or that I'm worthless than someone who has married and had children. What my being single means is my path in life is different than someone else's path. My being single also doesn't mean I don't know what it is like to be busy, to come home at the end of the day and still have to cook dinner, clean my house, and take care of others. Somehow this concept has been born that being single means I have so much free time in the world. I'm here to tell you I don't have free time. I barely have time some days to shower and sleep most days. And lunch, let's not go there over lunch as I most days don't even take my lunch and then wonder why at 3:45 why I have the worst headache in the world. 

There is this phrase that circulates: don't judge me because I sin differently, or something like that wording. I think the same applies here: don't judge me because I'm not married. I don't go home at night crying because I have no husband or children. I don't think my life has any less meaning because I have no children or husband. I simply think my life has taken a different turn than another's life and maybe it will include children and maybe it will not. The funny thing about the crystal ball is it only works in predicting the past not the future. Meanwhile I keep doing what I do every day and that is wake up and live my life without a question of what if or when or how because at the end of my life I don't want to look back with regrets and thinking I stood in one place until something else happened because that isn't living at all. 

Milestones in life

If there is one thing I have learned in my life: it takes twists and turns we do not always expect. Growing up I used to watch Northern Exposure on this old t.v. I inherited when my parents bought a new one. The t.v was one of those you had to physically change the channel on with the push buttons. I loved that tv and I was so excited to have that tv all to myself in my room. There was one episode where Janine Turner's character Maggie finds this letter she wrote to herself when she was a teenager about what her life was going to be like when she was older. Being a fan I decided to follow suit and write one to myself as well. Maggie found her life hadn't turned out exactly like she had imagined. There were some twists and turns she had never foreseen coming through in her life and it wasn't the picture she had imagined. I can say my life hasn't turned out the way I had imagined - it's better than the vaguely drawn picture I had in my mind. 

I think as children we get this vague idea of how our life will go when we are older. We see adults in our life and wonder if our lives will be the same as their. The problem is we only see the highlights in their lives. We see the good, happy moments that make us long for being an adult as well. As children and teenagers we are not privy to the darker, harder moments where being an adult was making the harder choices and learning how to handle being an adult. We piece together those happy moments and create this distorted image in our mind about how our own lives will be once we've reached some magic age where life just turns into a fairy tale of happily ever after. 

I'm here to day my life has been far from the fairy tale I imagined in this letter to myself. There have been some twists and turns which took me down other paths than I imagined. I never imagined I would get my masters degree, never really imagined college being in my future. But here I sit having completed two bachelors degrees and one masters degree. I look back over the years and think of the paths I've walked down because of these degrees and know these were the paths I needed to take to reach the point I am in my life now. Sure there are things I wish would were different, mainly my height because well 5 foot is not conducive to reaching my high cabinets!, but in all I honestly wouldn't change a thing. If I changed one thing then the great blessings I've enjoyed would be different and I'm not willing to give those up. My masters degree wasn't easy to finish and I know it wasn't easy on my family and friends. But it was worth it in the end because of what I gained during the 2 1/2 years it took to finish the degree. I'm thankful to my friends and family who put up with my complete manic mood swings and level of activity. I've spent the last decade and a half in school. Seriously I started in the fall of 1999 and went through until 2005 and back in 2006. I'm a glutton for punishment. And while I know I'm going to get my doctoral degree, I'm looking forward to the break for the next few years. 

The finish line

The finish line. My finish graduate degree finish line. I actually see that line laying in the road up ahead and holy Moses it is really happening! Somehow getting to this point just seems very unreal. I never really thought I would ever actually finish the program. I knew eventually I would come to the end, but you know how it goes, the finish line is some amorphous idea in the not so close future. I put it off until finally I could not longer put the day off. The time had come as the walrus reminded the little clams. I was little clam and graduation was the walrus bearing down on me. Or rather the practicum paper was bearing down on me. 

Looking back now that I'm finished I wish I had stayed on track. I could have spared myself so much heartache and sleepless nights had I followed the syllabus. However, I know in the end I finished because I was a world class procrastinator who waited and waited and waited for that final minute before I got everything together and turned into the professor. Make no mistake, the failure was mostly on my part and this I fully realize. 

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say though and looking back and recognizing my mistakes doesn't change the course of events so no use worrying over it all. What matters is I pushed forward and in the end the graduation is happening so over the finish line I go and into a world where papers, projects, and presentations are not my nightly focus. 

Reflections of a procrastinator

I'm sitting here still staring at my blank page for my final program evaluation project and I cannot seem to make the words come out of my mind. It's a general stopping block for me at the moment; mainly because I am struggling to even find the motivation to put words on a page. It's killing me because it's due on Monday and I need to get something to my group because this is a group project. I'm generally not a huge fan of group projects, but this one hasn't been a terrible experience. I love it when groups come together and get the work done without just schelping it off on.....


So started this back last week and never finished it. Procrastination at it's finest!

Conquering My Unknown

Standing of the precipice of big changes always makes you look back and reevaluate life and where you want to make changes. I'm standing on that precipice and I'm ready to make the changes but there are a few more hurdles before I can make that leap. I think of that scene in Practical Magic, the one at the end where they are all standing on the roof and they are going to leap and land safely on the ground below. I feel like that though, like I will make that leap and it's a big leap but I'm going to land on my feet eventually.

Graduation is thirteen days away. Thirteen days! I can remember getting into grad school way back in 2010. I remember logging onto the computer to check the status and there it was I was admitted. I busted my butt to get myself ready for the GRE - which let me tell you was no easy feat since I loathe standardized testing and I'm terrible with math. Somehow I made it though and was admitted. I walked into class that first day not sure of what I was doing but I knew I was going to have to work my butt off to get the grades I wanted. My goal was graduating with honors. Unfortunately I won't get that, but I am graduating with a pretty good GPA.

It's a little nerve wracking. I still have to get some of my edits completed and back to my professor. I feel like I'm in editing hell that has to end eventually right? I have to stop myself from emailing her and asking if I have at least a C in the class because if I do I'm done with editing that piece. It's the paper that just won't stop giving no matter how much I want it to end. Alas my overwhelming overachieving little heart cannot accept that grade so I have to  keep plugging away at the paper.

Meanwhile moving has commenced! Not the major moving, but it's some slow motion moving :)

The kitchen

Living room

The apartment looks pretty empty after the day of packing and moving things from one place to another. I suddenly remembered why I hate moving - packing. Packing is the absolute worst. I want one of those magic bags from Harry Potter that Hermione had during the final book. That endless bag she stuffed everything they needed into and just carted it around like any old bag. Yeah where do I get one of those bags?! We still have a ton of packing to do - my books for the most part are still all sitting on the shelves and as we all know they won't pack themselves. Between graduation activities, end of the semester work, packing and moving, and all the "real" work at work I don't get much free time but I'm looking forward to the future and while nervous, excited to take that leap into the unknown. More pictures to follow as we get things moved in and settled.

Statistics, damn statistics

I hate statistics. By hate I mean really, really, REALLY hate statistics. I'm stuck in statistics hell. My research paper is not going all that well. I've undergone about nine billion revisions and none of them are getting me remotely close to being finished. Ok nine billion is a little exaggerated, the number is more like six, but oy I'm dying from them all. Part of the problem is I've waited far too long to get this stuff finished. I'm a world class procrastinator. I put things off until they can't be put off any longer and it's exactly what I've done with this paper. I've put it off far too long and now I'm paying for it. But I'm not giving up. I'll fight with every last fiber in my being to get this paper finished and turned in because no matter what happens I'm graduating and putting graduate work behind me once and for all.

I had to be on campus today and it was kind of strange. I still have a class this semester, but I don't go onto the main campus. I haven't set foot on the main campus since I bought my books way back in January. It's strange. I was walking- well more like stumbling because of this stupid boot on my foot- across the campus to the Social Science building and it struck me that the campus is not my second home any longer. For so many years it's served as my home away from home. The place I spent more of my time than anywhere else because of class and work and extra curricular activities. Campus was a place of comfort and familiarity. I've been there for the last 14 years I should feel comfortable on it by now. Walking across the short space between the building and the parking lot I realized I've finally moved on from the campus, moved on in my mind as I haven't spent time on there since last year. I thought I would be sad moving away from my campus home but sadly I wasn't all that upset. Instead the realization lit the fire that much more for graduation. The realization I've reached the point where I need to be finished because internally I am already finished. Now to finish the research study paper from hell and get the hell outta there!

I'm buying a house!

Okay well it's a townhouse but still I'm actually buying it! I'm super excited and a little nervous, but I'm excited to take this step. The entire process has taken a little over a month, which I know when compared with the others experience is a little different. A friend whet through the process and it was not nice to say the least. I'm so exceptionally excited for the move forward and the changes it's going to bring. I've had the offer in for almost a week, but I didn't want to say anything until it was accepted. It wasn't the best of days, work tends to just blow things up for sure, but I saw the email and after a few phone calls it was mine :) Now reality sets in and it's time to get things cleaned up here and move out and up :)

My one thing

Eleanor Roosevelt is attributed with saying "Do one thing everyday that scares you." Today I think I sufficiently lived up to that statement. Most of you know the reason, but for those who don't sorry I'm not sharing at this point; not because I don't want to share with you the reason, but more to protect myself if things don't work out according to my plan. I will say it's is nothing dangerous - okay maybe it's a little dangerous because of the major risk associated with the long term repercussions of the decision, but one I'm willing to take because sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

Completely how I feel!

 I know we all at one point or another in our lives feel like we are stuck in one of these kinds of ruts. We start to let the daily activities wear on us and before we know it we are walking and breathing the phrase "same crap, different day." I don't think we're always aware of being stuck in these ruts either until it's too late, until we've reached the point we're so embedded into them we need something drastic to shake it up for us. In this case mine was very much embedded in me and it's going to be a tough habit to break. You see I've been in college since 1999. No really- I've been in college for the better part of 14 years. Now I will say I have completed 2 undergraduate degrees and almost finished my master's degree, but still 14 years. Now I will say it hasn't always felt like a rut and I genuinely enjoy learning. However, the time has come to bid it farewell and get on with life, which leads me right back to my original thoughts.

I initiated the process not long ago and now it's starting to become real because more and more things are moving along with the changes. It's scary to me to think of making the leap because it's not one I imagined I would make for a few more years. Yet I made the decision and haven't really looked back. Even with more information coming I still feel at peace with the decision and move forward with having the full support of my family. For me that's a major aspect, knowing my family is supportive of the decision and how awesome they've been in giving me advice and encouragement. Eleanor was right, we need to do that one thing because sometimes we need that one thing to pull us up from the rut and back on our paths again.

And the next destination is....

 

 We're going to Ireland!!!!!!!!!!!! We've been kicking the idea around a for while and we finally made the decision to just jump in and go. :) We were originally planning on using the same company we used last time, but things have changed so we decided to go this around on our own. It's a tad bit nerve racking to do this without a plan and itinerary {I'm a MAJOR fan of planning and lists} up front like from London, Paris, and Rome; but it's going to be okay. We are still in the figuring out stages and finding plane tickets, but WE'RE GOING TO IRELAND!!!!!!!!!

It's the small things in life

 

Sometimes it's the small things in life that make us happy- like a new radio. When I bought my lovely little Hugo almost two years ago now I was happy to see there was a radio with a cd player and a USB port. Even though my drive wasn't terribly long {at the time I lived about six miles from work} I still needed music to make the drive a happy one. Eventually though I noticed there was something not quite right with the radio. Every time I hit a bump, thought about a bump in the road, sneezed, had a thought, touched the radio, thought about touching the radio, tried to change the cd, and the list goes one the radio would reset itself. It was so amazingly annoying! Long car rides were just a lesson in frustration because the stupid radio just reset itself every two seconds. Sure there were stretches where the radio actually did what it was supposed to do- play music without any interruptions - but those became few and far between. I've got a pretty short temper and I will admit there were times I would just give the stupid thing a few well placed smacks. Not a good move since my thumb kept making contact with the little lip on the compartment above the radio. 

Finally I reached a breaking point today and figured in the time that I've spent killing the other one I could have replaced it and been done with the trouble and the headaches. Considering I spend a fair amount of time in my car each week for work I need something that I won't feel such rage towards every day. So I made a phone call and made my way to get the issue resolved. Two hours and a few bucks later I drove away with the new radio and didn't have to worry about pulling over to the side of the road to kill my radio with my shoe. Oh the joy of driving away and not having my song stop five or six times because the stupid thing reset itself yet again. It's the small things in life that make such a difference! Here's to some happier driving time with the new radio that is also bluetooth ready and lets me answer my phone without having to touch my phone!