You deserve to be happy

It's been a good long while since I updated this blog of mine. I can't say it's been because life has been so insane I haven't had time to stop, sometimes the exact opposite is the case. I went from working and working and working to suddenly being still. I haven't been still since I was a junior in high school and that was a good long while ago. Being still isn't always in my nature. My parents raised us to get up and go pretty much all the time. There is always something which needs to be done, someone who can use some help, or something around the house which needs cleaning. Or laundry. There is always laundry.

I won't sugar coat anything. There were some low points during the last few month. Points where it wasn't pretty. And I wasn't an overwhelmingly happy person to be around. It took some of the wind out of my sails so to speak. Before it happened I felt like my life was a on a good track, I'd made the decision to go to law school (HOLY COW!!) and I was getting myself together to study for the LSAT and my letters of recommendation emails were in the process of being written. And then the bottom of the plan fell out. Now I'm a planner. I like lists. I like lists on paper and my phone and my journal and the random post it I found next to the door or the fridge or my bed. I have a post it obsession and yes I have that many post it piles lying around the house :) Being home was and still is a change for me. I've seen these four walls and I have gotten close over these four months.

Yes, it's been four months since this happened. Four months of trying and revising and trying again and revising again and yep, you guessed it trying again. There are these things no one tells you about being unemployed. They don't tell you that some days you have to really force yourself into trying. There are days you just don't want to get out of bed because if you get out of bed then you have to be a human and honestly there are moments you think being human is just too much that day. But, you get up and make the day happen. Being unemployed and living on a tight budget doesn't give the luxury of not getting up and trying again. Conversely though, there are days where you bounce out of bed and meet the day with a smile and happy attitude. More often than not it was getting out the bed and meeting the day. There are schedules and plans in place, two things which do well for me. I like schedules. I think I make them in my sleep. I'm a creature of habit, a regular Sheldon of sorts. I'm very schedule driven; being in school and working multiple jobs meant I needed to budget my time wisely.

These four months have been challenging more often than not, but they have also taught me more about myself and what I want from life. At the beginning of the month I made the decision I would continue to pursue a law degree. My sister connected me with one of the lawyers from her office who graduated from GSU and is still active with their alumni association. Speaking with her just confirmed what I already knew, going to law school is the plan I need to follow through on.  She was incredibly helpful and encouraging with her advice. Don't get me wrong, I know law school will be hard and all time consuming. Anything worth doing and worth something though takes time, commitment, and effort though. Scrolling through Facebook earlier I saw a random picture for an advertisement saying you deserve to be happy. We all do. We all deserve happiness. Getting laid off was difficult and really hit me hard, but at the end of the day I haven't given up hope and I haven't given up on my plans or goals. That's another thing they don't tell you when you get let go. You still get hope. You still get happiness. They keep your position, but they don't keep your life or your future. And in the end that is what matters.

My problem with self pity

One of the top questions I've gotten is how I'm doing since last Friday. Most of the time you ask me this question I'm going to respond that I'm doing okay and for a majority of the time I really do mean I'm okay. Sure I wasn't planning on being let go, but really what kind of choice do I have in the matter. The cards were dealt and unfortunately they did not go in my favor. The last thing I need to do is sit home and think about how bad I feel because this happened to me. As I said before I'm not someone who sits and pities myself for something I don't have in life. Sitting around and feeling sorry for myself and sucking the joy out of someone's happiness does not change my own situation, it only makes me a bitter and unhappy person. I've seen it happen before and in the end if we allow those feelings in our life we only hurt ourselves not the other person.

A few years ago I served as the Gospel Doctrine teacher. Not always the easiest of callings because of the depth of the material, but I will say it was one of my favorite callings thus far. It challenged me in so very many ways and really brought about a long standing love of reading the Pauline epistles. I love reading through his words and pulling from those pages such great advice and reminders. One of my favorite scriptures, and one which right now is written on my bathroom mirror, is Romans 4. The entire chapter is in regards to Abraham and his life. If you haven't  read this chapter I highly encourage it because of just how inspiring Abraham was in his life. The verse though is verse 20: He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; How awesome is that?! If you know anything about Abraham then you know of the struggles and trials he faced in his life. Now he's no Job and we all know the trials he faced, but Abraham still faced many difficulties in his life. I love the thought that somehow through them all Abraham remained steadfast and faithful. This is why I have a problem with self-pity. If we are truly moving forward with faith then we find self-pity has no place in our lives because we come to understand others have is their path in life and ours doesn't have to exactly resemble their path.

I know my trials seem small and mundane to others, but they are my trials and challenges I face. I am trying to continue forward with faith and looking to the future with hope because in the end those two, faith and hope, are what has carried so many before me through worse situations. I'm looking forward to General Conference this weekend and hearing the inspired words from our church leadership. It never ceases to amaze me how much I gain from their words and insight. What great blessings we can pull from their words and apply to our lives and how fortunate are we to be able to hear them as they happen.

The Dehumanization of the workforce

I went to the unemployment benefits training today and I must say I've never felt less a human than today. I was later than planned due to Luna not feeling well these last few days and keeping me up; but I made it right before their 9:30 class since they only do them once an hour. I kinda started out looking like this:

Walking into the building was automatically depressing, no one says hello to you or even really acknowledges your presence. I stood at the counter a minute or two before the two employees behind the counter even acknowledges my presence. Sorry to interrupt your conversation with doing your job. The woman speaks so low and her words run together and I of course had to ask her to repeat herself, which seems to piss her off even more than the fact I had to gall to come in and interrupt her conversations. I get handed two pieces of paper, more mumbled directions, a clipboard and told to wait with the rest of the group for room A.

To the government issues uncomfortable chairs for the next few minutes while I wait for the room. It's a depressing office, government issued chairs with the institutional feel of blank walls and a bank of computers. We get called into the office and the woman who is "teaching" the class is really not much better. She speaks with the same rapid mumble and we get our paperwork completed. The entire process takes about 35 minutes from walking into the door and back out again. They make you watch this random video before you can leave; the volume is up so high I'm sure people the next town over can hear it. She left us with a booklet and a packet of papers with all our instructions regarding our responsibilities. In the end it feels like a process, you've been reduced back to your social security number and a vague name on a piece of paper they see for 20 minutes in the beginning and then shuffle you off to figure out the remaining confusion on your own. By the end I looked like this:

Unemployment: Day 1

So truth I don't really think this is day one but I'm going to call it day one because my normal week begins on Sunday. I filed my unemployment claim today. Quite honestly I'm prepared for a fight because the people always fought against them, but we shall see what will happen. It's a little surreal applying. It's not something you generally think about when you're working as hard as you can, but in the end even hard work can get you to this point. I can say for certain I did not think waking up on Friday morning I would be out of a job by the end of the day. Then again I really don't believe anyone ever plans for this to happen; but I can say it will shape and change how I look at my spending choices and habits.

I'm dealing with it all though. I am not a wallower or a pity party kind of person. I am not interested in sitting around and having a pity party because this happened. It's not the kind of girl my parents raised. I know there will be a struggle and I know I won't always have a positive attitude about everything, but I have to try and keep pushing forward. Standing still is not in my nature. I am not sure why this happened or where this road will go, but I will somehow figure my way down this path. I've said it a number of times, but I'm tremendously blessed to have such a wonderful family and great friends who are here to help and willing to give me advice. I'm thankful for the power of the priesthood and my father's willingness to bless each of us with that priesthood power. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for my parents. The minute after it happened I called my mother and without question she dropped everything she was doing to come over and give me a hug. Seriously she is amazing. And I won't even start with my dad. He's a rock in our family and I just can't imagine our family without his steady support. This isn't a journey I ever imagined myself taking but I'm thankful to know I have such a great support system to help carry me through the tough times. :)

You know what they say about slamming doors

.________________________.  Whale I have some bad news, today I got let go. Terminated. It sounds so final right? But it is final the deed is done and everything is processing. I am no longer employed. It takes a little getting used to, especially considering I need to ya know pay the bills, Comcast and all of them tend to enjoy being paid for their services. I'm still processing and figuring it all out and honestly I don't know who or what to believe in anymore with that place. Nothing ever added up and now I'm just one of those people who used to work there so I'm not going to dwell over it. I won't lie, of course I cried and there was a point I think I hyperventilated and I'm pretty sure I hung up on people. Quite honestly though at this point who cares because what are you going to do fire me----- oh wait you did that already.

I know bad joke, but really what can you honestly do when things just sorta fall apart. I'm not sure what the future is going to bring, but none of us really are quite honestly. It's all a guessing game and a series of choices we make leading us to a new place. The question remains of what we are going to do with those choices and how we make it through. I'm going to have faith in my Heavenly Father and His plan, honestly it's really all I have at this point, faith and hope I will get to where I both need and want to go.